1. Pittsburgh Steelers, 1-1 (1)
2. Baltimore Ravens, 2-0 (3)
3. Minnesota Vikings, 2-0 (7)
4. New Orleans Saints, 2-0 (10)
5. New York Jets, 2-0 (9)
Advice: Team Rex is riding high right now on the Ravens model, but will Belichick poison the Krispy Kremes?
6. New York Giants, 2-0 (2)
Advice: Defense looking like the walking dead; remember, brains are delicious!
7. Indianapolis Colts, 2-0 (
Advice: Having a defense, or a run game, would give you the ball for more than a quarter. Try it!
8. San Francisco 49ers, 2-0 (20)
9. Tennessee Titans, 0-2 (4)
10. Chicago Bears, 1-1 (11)
Advice: Memo to Cutler: picks are not good. Your team may win without all the damned picks.
11. Atlanta Falcons, 2-0 (14)
Advice: Rising stars meet the falling stars in the Glamour Boy Throwdown of the Falcons versus Patriots. Oh, BTW, find some defense. Like, OMG!
12. Philadelphia Eagles, 1-1 (6)
13. Green Bay Packers, 1-1 (5)
14. San Diego Chargers, 1-1 (13)
15. New England Patriots, 1-1 (12)
Advice: Tom Brady looks pretty ordinary, but then again so did Carson Palmer after Kemo got him. On the bright side, the defense sucks, too!
16. Dallas Cowboys, 1-1 (15) 
17. Cincinnati Bengals, 1-1 (23)
Advice: If you work for the Bengals ground crew, be sure to keep your eyes open for bits of 24 carat grille in the grass on Monday.
18. Buffalo Bills, 1-1 (16)
Advice: If you want to move up in these rankings, beat teams when you have them on the ropes, and destroy teams that just plain suck. Got it?
19. Denver Broncos, 2-0 (26)
What the fuck happened to that guy?
20. Houston Texans, 1-1 (24)
Advice: Gary Kubiak is excited. Damned excited. His team found its passing game. Now, if it finds its running game and offense, Gary may well pop like a fatted tick, so have his blood pressure meds ready.
21. Arizona Cardinals, 1-1 (21)
22. Oakland Raiders, 1-1 (19)
Advice: JaMarcus Russell has a big arm, but remember that sometimes you need more than just a big arm.
23. Washington Redskins, 1-1 (18)
24. Seattle Seahawks, 1-1 (17)
Advice: No one remembers who you played week one, fool!
25. Miami Dolphins, 0-2 (28)
Advice: You may be dead in the water, but you still showed more punch in losing than a lot of teams.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars, 0-2 (22)
27. Detroit Lions, 0-2 (30)
Advice: Quick, skip to the end and see if they beat the Redskins!
28. Kansas City Chiefs, 0-2 (25)
29. Carolina Panthers, 0-2 (27)
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-2)
31. St. Louis Rams, 0-2 (32)
Advice: Wear funny wigs. Get drunk. Rams fans, this is as good as it gets for you this year. Seriously.
32. Cleveland Browns, 0-2 (31)
