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Author Topic: Finny's week 3 NFL picks:  (Read 620 times)
Finnegans Wake
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« on: Sep 23, 2011 at 13:07 »

49ers (+1.5) at Bengals.  A couple of dumbass teams. Marv Lewis is about to shatter Sam Wyche’s Bengals win record, despite having a 0.472 win percentage.  What kind of a part-time goat-fucker wins at that clip and is the coaching paragon of the franchise?  Of course, his coaching opponent, newbie Jim Harbaugh, brother of that giant fuckwad John Harbaugh, screwed the pooch when he accepted a FG instead of chewing more clock, getting better field position, and going for the kill shot.  Oh, it gets better.  Bengals wide receiver Jerome Simpson got busted this week for having two and half pounds of pot delivered to his house, despite the fact that he already had six pound of pot on the premises.  I know smoke can make you forgetful, but how the fuck do you forget you have six pounds of weed layin’ around?

All the pundits and Vegas sharps are chasing Cinci on this one, but consider me unconvinced.  Niners collapsed late against the Boys and Bengals came back late in Denver, but Red Dalton’s favorite target in that scrum was the aforementioned Jerome Simpson.  The Niners lose Braylon Edwards for a bit but get back Michael Crabtree.  Niners secondary is shabby, Charlie Brown, but I’m sticking with my preseason gut feeling that the Bengals are bad.   Finny says:  49ers grind the clock behind Gore and get a late Crabtree TD to pull the mild upset, 21-17.


Patriots (-9) at Bills.
 2010: second Patriots-Bills game, Patriots won 34-3.  But the first game?  Patriots won 38-30.  Yes, I know, the motherfucking Patriots are an offensive juggernaut and anyone who thinks Belichick isn’t a genius is just being petty and spiteful, the Golden Girl is on pace to throw for 30,000 yards this year alone, and seriously, who needs defense?  Also, the Patriots can lose guys like C Dan Koppen and TE Aaron Hernandez, cuz Hoody will just replace them with golems made of duct tape, chewing gum, and assbeard clippings.

This has all the look of a shootout.  I can understand Phillip Rivers and Tom Brady going back and forth, but the Patriots allowed Chad motherfucking Henne to rack up mad yardage.  Bills offense should be up to the task if Stevie Johnson’s groin doesn’t hamper him.  Finny says:  Watch for CJ Spiller lining up at WR; Patriots win but don’t cover, 38-35.


Texans (+3.5) at Saints.
 The long-reviled Houston defense has thus far sent the Colts to the glue factory and reminded us why Chad motherfucking Henne is Chad motherfucking Henne.  Could be that this is like the Six Million Motherfucking Dollar Man, where the Texans are Steve Austin with a bunch of new parts and Wade Phillips is Dr. Rudy Wells, the scientist dude who puts it all together, and now the Texans can jump like 40 feet in the air and chop through cinderblock walls like they’re made of styro.  

The Saints will put that shit to the test.  Everyone thought the Bears defense would be a good match for the Saints offense, myself included.  The Bears defense gave up 30 points, bitches!  The Bears defense got put through a grinder, mixed with various sweet shit and raisins and cinnamon and crap and got baked the fuck into a mincemeat pie!  I’m going to say this one’s closer just because Houston has a good offense, which the Bears have no interest in developing.  Finny says:  Ben Tate has a big day, rushing for around 120 yards, but Saints win 27-21.


Giants (+7.5) at Eagles.
 I’m not prone to hyperbole, but the Giants look like motherfucking chumps.  Eli Manning looks like a motherfucking chump.  They kinda beat a Rams team that’s all messed up and those chump Redskins made the Giants look like chumps, so you might not recognize that the Giants are chumps and shit, but they are.  Chumps with a capital CHUMP.  

Basically, the Giants offense is a pile of suck except for the RBs and Hakeem Nicks.  And the defense is on IR.  The Eagles pulled their usual mood swing bullshit and quacked up a game they’d won against the Falcons, but they have some offense.  No offensive line, but you motherfucking know they’re going to put points on the board and the chump motherfucking Giants won’t be able to stop them.  Finny says:  Mike Vick was so woozy he felt like that chump motherfucker Eli Manning, but you know his shit will play, so Eagles 31, motherfucking Chumps 17.


Dolphins (+2.5) at Browns.
 You know what pisses me off?  Everything, motherfuckers!  Every… fucking… THING!  You want me to list all that shit here or just get on with the prediction?  Oh?  Really?  Then why’d you even ask, motherfucker?  One thing that pisses me off is the mighty clash of two motherfucking titan powerhouses like this here matchup.  Do I really give a fuck?  No.  Am I going to ask myself a bunch of questions for dramatic effect?  Yes.  Am I done with that dramatic question shit now?  Finally.

Here’s all this appears to be.  Two teams with decent running games running.  Two spinky-spunky-dinky-dunky passing games keeping the shit boring.  Oh look!  There’s a pass play that goes 20 yards!  Wow!  Now, back to the running, the punting, the grunting, and the boredom, because we know neither of these teams matter one goat testicle.  Finny says:  Peyton Hillis and Daniel Thomas could run for more yardage than quarterbacks Clot McClot and Chad motherfucking Henne pass for, as the Dolphins eke one out 19-16.


Broncos (+7) at Titans.
 You know what irony is?  Irony is where you say is opposite of what you mean, as in Oh, this should be a great game, when referring to the Broncos-Titans tilt.  Irony is often confused with coincidence, although that is sort of close to one of the many types of irony, situational irony, where you expect one thing and something far removed from that expectation occurs, like Isn’t it ironic that the Steelers couldn’t score for shit on the Ravens, but the Titans could?  See, that shit there’s situational irony, which could be chalked up to a number of factors, including dumb fucking chance, lack of preparation by the Steelers, or the Ravens thinking they’re the cocks of the walk and then having their shit handed to them in humbling manner.

Kyle Orton’s situation is sort of ironic, since he has to fight off Tub Tebow in the court of public opinion, and then when all his receivers are ground up and canned into dog food, Tub Tebow lines up at receiver.  Orton to Tub Tebow all day.  Titans shake off a rotten debut and Matt Hasselbeck continues to thrive in his new digs.  Finny says:  It’s sort of ironic that John Fox leaves the worst team in football, and now they’re showing signs of life, while his new team sort of looks like one of the worst teams this year!  Titans clang the Broncos 23-10.


Vikings (+3.5) at Lions.  
You know the Chrysler commercial where they play the Stooges’ No Fun, because Detroit is back and, well, they’re not no fun, but they’ve got this well-muscled vibe like Iggy circa 1969, when Detroit still made cars people wanted, so it’s this whole time machine of nostalgia infused with a cutting edge vibe?  Well the Lions should appropriate one of Ig and the boys’ little ditties from 1973, something I like to call Search and Destroy, and I like to call it that because that’s what it’s fucking called.

Top four scoring offenses after two games?  Number four, the Green Bay Packers, 72 points scored versus 57 points allowed.  Number three, the dickweed Patriots, 73 points scored versus 45 points allowed.  Number two, the Detroit Lions, with 75 points scored and 23 points allowed.  Only the Bills, with 79 points scored and 42 points allowed, have scored more.  But then again, the Lions have only allowed 23 points against.  When you’re outscoring teams three to one, you’re a street-walkin’ cheetah with a heart full of napalm.  

The Vikings do have Adrian Peterson.  But they also have Donovan McNabb.  And if Warren Sapp wants to shit on a defense that got real old real fast, Exhibit A, Minnie fucking Sota.  They won’t be able to stop Stafford to big Calvin Johnson or the onslaught of Suh.  Yeah, division game.  Yeah, the recent record.  Whatever.  Cue Iggy.  Finny says:  Lions 38, Vikings 16.
« Last Edit: Sep 23, 2011 at 13:12 by Finnegans Wake » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: Sep 23, 2011 at 13:07 »

Jaguars (+3.5) at Panthers.  I wasn’t on board the Cam Newton train in this year’s draft, and I wasn’t on board the Blaine Gabbert train either.  Cam’s put up a lot of yardage, and he’s made a few mistakes, but he’s done enough to make me think (for now) I might have been wrong about him.  But Blaine Gabbert, I just can’t get past that douchy name, a guy named Blaine Gabbert is a guy you just want to punch in the face for no good reason.  A guy named Blaine Gabbert would be played by Andrew McCarthy in some John Hughes movie.  If Ben & Jerry made Blaine Gabbert ice cream, it would be unflavored ice cream with used fucking tampons in it.

And seriously, what the fuck is Jack Del Rio doing?  We already know the guy’s dumb as a deer tick, but then he fires his presumptive starting QB just before the season starts (déjà vu?), then dumps the asswipe backup, and moves straight to Blaine Gabbert.  I’ve been on Del Rio’s shit for years because, you know, he sucks, his team sucks, and why hasn’t he been fired yet?  This dumb game will be lots of dazzle from Cam, lots of running from Mo Jones-Drew, some dumb turnovers from Cam, and some dumb turnovers from Blaine Gabbert, who I wanna smack but good.  Finny says:  I think the Panthers win this, but the MJD-Deji Karim duo keeps the Jags right there, 23-21.


Chiefs (+14.5) at Chargers.  
Some things never change.  Chargers get the season off to a slow start.  Norv Turner’s neck looks like boiled pemmican.  Phillip Rivers will prove how much of a competitor he is by showing his fiery redneck dumbass side after shit inevitably goes wrong.  The entire AFC West is like, well, let’s say you go to Denny’s for one of those oversized grease-fest breakfasts and predictably enough two-thirds of the way through you’re seized with the urge to shit like you’ve been drinking bacterial backwaters in some Amazonian rainforest, only you go to the men’s room and the one toilet that’s in service is literally clogged to the rim with about a ton of toilet paper, a bunch of bowel movements that resemble fat water snakes, and murky bilge still moving in an idle clockwise swirl.  That there’s the AFC West.

Really, this is another heated division rivalry that is such a mismatch that the division rivalry shit is an annoying but meaningless mosquito buzz.  Matt Cassell?  Sucks.  Todd Haley?  Sucks.  Andrew Luck?  You’ll be wearing red again.  Start the Cowher coaching rumors, in 5… 4… 3…  Finny says:  This game might be closer than you expect.  Chargers win 42-13.


Jets (-3.5) at Raiders.
 Mark Sanchez will be without C Nick Mangold for a while, and RB Shonn Greene’s been ho-hum.  Could be a trap game for the Jets, with the Ravens and dickazoidal Patriots coming up, and Jets run defense has been lackluster, which could mean another big day for RB Darren McFadden.  Jason Campbell won’t find room to throw against Revis and Cromartie, so don’t expect a big day from Denarius Moore.

Now here’s where we have to flash back to the clogged crapper at Denny’s for just a second.  As you’re clutching your twitching bowels and hoping to avoid shitting your pants, you look over and see the men’s room door starting to swing shut, but not before you catch a glimpse of who left the unholy bowl-winder.  Rex.  Fucking. Ryan.  Because you know the man can eat, and you know he shits like a motherfucking elephant.  I’m betting he’s got supersonic toilets at the Jets facility, and not just high-flow Canadian ones, but I mean ones with actual jet engines worked into that crapper to turbo-blast the mega-copro into charred oblivion and then send it down the ducts like Sigourney Weaver shooting the alien out into space in the first Alien flick.  And the sidebar to all this is that you know Rex is fucking up all the visitors’ shitters out of both spite and necessity.  Finny says:  Jets, tepid, 23-20.


Ravens (-4) at Rams.
 I dunno, man, the whole overflowing crapper at Denny’s metaphor beckons again.  You’re at Denny’s, eat the big greasy breakfast, start heading for the crapper, someone else has the same idea but that rude motherfucker runs past you and pushes you out of the way.  He’s thinking he’s all smart because there’s only one working shitter and you’re shit out of luck until he runs into the stall without noticing the fecal swill has spilled out onto the floor a bit and the asshole slips on it and lands face first in the turd pot.  Ladies and gentlemen, the Ravens season thus far.

Thing is, the Rams are dead meat here.  Steven Jackson won’t be getting any room to run, but expect Ray Rice to.  Ravens always bounce back from embarrassing games to make the big tough-guy statement.  Rams are lacking offensive weapons to keep up here.  Finny says:  Ratties 28, Rams 13.


Falcons (-1) at Buccaneers.
 Both these teams seem to be less than advertised.  I thought the NFC South was going to be stacked, but the Falcons dropped their opener to the Bears and looked sluggish against the Eagles until some late breaks went their way.  The Bucs ran into the Lions week one, but then allowed the atrocious Vikings to drop 17 on them before they too woke up.  Slight edge to Atlanta’s running game behind Michael Turner and to Tampa Bay’s passing game with Josh Freeman, which seems to set up a close game here.

Let me just note here BTW that my picks ATS have sucked dog balls this year, because the whole season has been one weird as hell fuckride so far.  I think half the picks here contradict my picks on the MGS pick ‘em thingey, so I can’t even make up my mind from one minute to the next what I think, and even if I think these are right I probably won’t bother to go back and change my MGS pick ‘ems because, motherfucker, that would cut into valuable drinking time.  Seriously, anyone who is picking consistently well ATS so far this year has to be lucky or eating those pills like the dude in Limitless.  That was a sort of entertaining movie, nothing earth-shattering, but just a fun ride for a while, if you want a recommendation.  Also, Unknown wasn’t too bad, although don’t ask too many questions about the feasibility of the plot.  If you just want entertainment, they’re worth a buck at Redbox.  That advice is probably better than the ATS advice here, OK?  Finny says:  I think the Falcons are just more talented, Bucs get up early, Matt Ryan takes over late, Falcons 24-20.


Cardinals (-3.5) at Seahawks.
 I was saying to Mrs. Finny that I can’t stand coaches at either end of the emotional spectrum.  One on hand you have Belichick, who would just be his same stoic self regardless of whether Plaxico Burress would shoot him in the leg, or Suzy Kolber would drunkenly confess wanting to kiss him, or he had the chance to hold Rex Ryan’s head underwater in a turd-filled bowl at a Denny’s.  On the other end of the spectrum is Pete Carroll, who is running up and down the sidelines high-fiving players if the Seahawks successfully snap the ball, who is jumping up and down and clapping to the point that he should get it over with and put on a cheerleader’s skirt, who likes to get the boys all pepped up by doing re-enactments of song and dance numbers from Glee during timeouts.  I mean, I know Cowher would get fired up, but Pete Carroll’s a flippin’ fruitcake.

Oh, and his team sucks.  The Cardinals suck too, but let’s do a quick “better than” series.  Kevin Kolb ain’t much yet, but he’s better than Tarvaris Jackson.  The Cardinals secondary has been abysmal, but anything is better than Brandon Browner.  Larry Fitzgerald is better than all the Seahawks combined.  OK, the Seahawks have the twelfth man thing, but, I dunno, Tarvaris Jackson, seriously?  You suck!  Finny says:  27-19.


Packers (-3.5) at Bears.  
Should actually be a decent game.  Bears sucked it in New Orleans, but at home, their defense has the ability to stay with the Packers.  At least for a while.  Of course, the offensive line is a sieve, Cutler’s already in double digit sacks, and the only thing keeping them in games is Matt Forte.  Worsening the OL situation for Pouty Boy is that rookie RT Gabe Carimi is out.  Should be a nice back-and-forth until Aaron Rodgers and his cast of thousands takes over.  

I won’t drag out the Denny’s toilet thing any longer.  But if you ever want to freak out your co-workers, make up a big pot of borscht.  Borscht is the Russian soup made from beets and cabbage, and it’s actually quite delicious.  I made some, but man, when you eat that many beets, when your shit hits the water it starts leeching out this red color and it makes it look like you had a bloody fucking stool.  So you could always leave it in the pot at work unflushed for someone to stumble onto and say to themselves, Holy crap, someone left bloody stool in the pot! or I daresay, some chap has himself a case of bloody stool, I do hope he’s not suffering an internal hemorrhage of some sort!  Finny says:  Packers 27, Bears 16.


Steelers (-10) at Colts.
 Colts could also be in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes.  They’ve averaged 13 points a game without Horseface, so maybe I over-rate them when I predicted 28-13 in the gameday thread.  Kerry Collins is also nursing a sore shoulder, which means we could see Curtis Painter getting snaps.  Steelers have a way of making games that should be blowouts stay closer than they have a right to be, but this could be an exception, as Tomlin is still chewing on that week one loss to the Ravens.  If anything, this may be a conservative prognostication, and the game could lurch into the 63-0 realm…

A few quick notes.  Colts are DFL in TOP.  William Gay will start again at LCB, but slide inside in the nickel to allow Keenan Lewis to play the outside – not sure why Lewis doesn’t just play outside full-time.  Ziggy Hood will start in place of Brett Keisel at RDE, and it will be interesting to see if he keeps the job permanently.  Can he grow a Viking beard?  Steelers will need to prepare for the Colts pass rushers Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis, in case you were getting too comfortable with visions of a blowout, which also begs the question of whether Chris Kemoeatu will be back or Ramon Foster, who played a solid game versus the Seahawks, will start again at LG.  Isaac Redman was on the field almost as many snaps as Rashard Mendenhall last week, 28-30.  OK, tweaking the prediction yet again from the gameday thread.  Finny says:  Steelers 31, Colts 10.


Redskins (+6.5) at Cowboys.
 Redskins beat two shaky teams in the Giants and Cards, but certainly have looked better than expected thus far.  Meanwhile, the Cowboys lose 27-24 to the Jets and win 27-24 over the 49ers in a game that sees Tony Romo get a rib broken, and have his lung punctured.  Romo’s back, but his favorite target Miles Austin is out.  Dez Bryant and Felix Jones are also both nicked up and listed as questionable, but Bryant especially has the ability to bust out the big play.  Meanwhile, Rex Grossman has been less horrid than in years past, but how long can that last?  This line looks awfully high for a Cowboys team that’s licking its wounds, although I think they have a good chance at winning.  They can’t afford to fall to 1-2, and they’re at home, so they certainly have motivation.

Quote of the week goes to Michelle Gregory, of the California Department of Justice, on the Jerome Simpson marijuana bust:  "We don't believe it [the package] was for personal use," Gregory said. "We believe there's some sort of distribution or sales out of his home."   No, seriously?  Ya think?  Because I was under the impression that having eight fucking pounds of ganja was sort of the equivalent to maybe a six-pack of Natty Bo.  Finny says:  Cowboys 23, Redskins 20.

« Last Edit: Sep 23, 2011 at 13:24 by Finnegans Wake » Logged

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« Reply #2 on: Sep 23, 2011 at 14:19 »

All that, and not a single mention of a decorative fucking gourd.  What in hell did I read it for?
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« Reply #3 on: Sep 23, 2011 at 15:09 »

Good stuff, per usual.  I agree with a lot of your picks, so...we're fooked.

All that, and not a single mention of a decorative fucking gourd.  What in hell did I read it for?

Decorative gourd.  Norv Turner's neck.  Tomayto.  Tomahto.
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« Reply #4 on: Sep 23, 2011 at 15:49 »

Damn, you could go 0-16 and that's still one hell of a prediction post.  Nice work.
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« Reply #5 on: Sep 25, 2011 at 15:23 »

HA HAAAAAAAA, suck it, Patriot fuckwads!!!!
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« Reply #6 on: Sep 25, 2011 at 16:07 »

How awesome was that!?  After watching the great HOU @ NO game they switched to the last 90 seconds of NE @ BUF.  It was 1st and goal from the 2 or so and BUF had the ball.  I heard the mighty Beardy tossed 4 INTs!  Hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaahahahaahahahaha hahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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« Reply #7 on: Sep 25, 2011 at 18:15 »

I wouldn't want to play New England next week though.
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« Reply #8 on: Sep 25, 2011 at 18:21 »

Decorative gourds all around!

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« Reply #9 on: Sep 25, 2011 at 18:27 »

I wouldn't want to play New England next week though.

Unless they have to go to Oakland.  That's gonna be a fun game. 

The Bears are so overrated, they should apply for membership in the NFC East.
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