I’m sure it’s just coincidence that I’m getting to the end of The Last Stand: Custer, Sitting Bull, and the Battle of the Little Bighorn just as the Patriots roll into town. I’m slightly pissy about the Steelers inability to devise a way to beat these fuckheads, as evidenced by Brady’s 6-1 record against us. So here’s this week’s slightly pissy game capsules.
Colts (+8.5) at Titans. Colts appeared to be playing better, little by little, until BLAMMO, the Saints posted the blowout of the year, winning 62-7 over poor dear motherfucking Curtis Painter. It’s like watching baby steps, until someone puts the baby in a fucking blender. Meanwhile, the Titans have gone off a cliff, enduring blowout of their own at the hands of the Texans, 41-7. Chris Johnson can’t get on track and the passing game is flimsy without Kenny Britt. Still, the Titans can handle the bad teams in the league and should win here. I wouldn’t bet this shitty game if at all possible. Smells like a whole lotta fugly in a division scrum where the Colts are fighting for dignity, and the Titans are still within striking distance of the division lead. Titans 27, Colts 20.
Jags (+9.5) at Texans. Hooray for Blaine fucking Gabbert! I cannot believe the Jaguars beat the Ravens. Simply tremendous. All the visual appeal of walruses fucking, but whatever. Another divisional scrum with a questionable spread. The Texans get Andre Johnson back, and let’s face it, they’re not the weak-assed offense of the Ravens. But the Jaguars defense is actually pretty good, so if they can keep the Texans under 20, they may cover. Over 20, and Gabbert can’t do anything to keep it close. Texans 23, Jaguars 6.
Vikings (+3) at Panthers. Battle of the rookie QBs Newton and Ponder. Ponder’s second start comes after a solid first outing with a few bumps. On a QB side note, Donovan McNabb’s career is tarnished by how terribly he’s played outside of Andy Reid’s system. Carolina has shit for defense, so expect AP to roll up yardage and Ponder to do well. But Cam Newton against a soft Vikings secondary will be the real show. He’s settling in as much more a complete QB than I ever expected. Panthers 27, Vikings 23.
Saints (-13.5) at Rams. Don’t waste my fucking time. Saints 38, Rams 10.
Cardinals (+12.5) at Ravens. Beware the Ravens when they are upset the week before, especially if they’re at home for the bounce. Cardinals are fucking awful. Ravens will win this on defense alone. Ravens 28, Cardinals 9.
Dolphins (+9.5) at Giants. Chad Henne starts, gets IR’d. Matt Moore starts. Dolphins sign Sage Rosenfels. Dolphins put Sage Rosenfels on reserve-non-football-injury list. Dolphins sign J.P. Losman. That’s a trail of desperation, folks. Oh, and after rumors that management had contacted Cowher and Gruden for the coaching job, there was a report that HC Tony Sparano sold his house – reportedly because it was “too big.” Yeah, too big to afford when you’re unemployed. Giants 28, Dolphins 10.
Skins (+6) at Bills (Toronto). Bills have faltered in last 2, perhaps coincidental to DT Kyle Williams being out with a foot injury? That’s bad news, but not as bad as the damage to the Redskins OL, or their own QB mess. Beck is a loser, baby. Bills 27, Redskins 14.
Lions (-3) at Broncos. Lions and Bills swooning after early success, Lions notably due to tepid run game and equally tepid run D. Jahvid Best out again, but Stafford will still find Calvin Johnson enough to score points. More points than the Dolphins could. Tebow finds ways to win… against the fucking Dolphins. Tebow sucks unending swaths of open sewer. Seriously, did you see some of those throws? Who the motherfuck was douche throwing to? Lions 24, Broncos 16.
Patriots (-3) at Steelers. I love the Steelers Halloween games. Always seem to do well. But let’s face it, the Patriots are our Kryptonite. Unless the DBs are getting some jam at the line and the LBs can get to Brady, we lose a shootout. Patriots 37, Steelers 27.
Browns (+8.5) at Niners. How are the Browns even 3-3? They suck. Niners defense and Frank Gore running over the Brownie D paces this game. Niners 24, Browns 13.
Bengals (-3) at Seahawks. If you thought Seahawks-Browns was a game better seen with your eyes clawed out, this one doesn’t promise to be much better. Bengals D is competent, AB Andy Dalton is competent, Seahawks veer between the worst team imaginable and a team that can pull the unexpected. Gooblin’ Pete Carroll will need Charlie Whitehurst to play like Curtis fucking Painter or Blaine fucking Gabbert to keep the Seahawks up at home. Seahawks 17, Bengals 14.
Cowboys (+3.5) at Eagles. Andy Reid 12-0 off the bye. Streak ends here. Eagles streaky performance is entirely offense-based, but they meet a pretty solid Cowboys D. Meanwhile, Eagles D sucks nards. Unless Romo goes 4 picks, Cowboys pull this upset. Cowboys 31, Eagles 24.
Chargers (-3.5) at Chiefs. A few weeks ago, I compared this Chargers team to the hapless Dolphins, and I think the comparison still sticks. Even as the Dolphins sink deeper into the bottom-feeder mud, the Chargers look less like the Chargers teams of years past and more like a big pile of mediocrity. Even Bubba Rivers isn’t as crisp as usual. Meanwhile, the Chiefs have clawed their way from being the worst team in the league in the first couple of weeks to being, well, a big pile of mediocrity. Since two mediocre teams clash, pick the home dog. Chiefs 27, Chargers 24.