Why your team sucks, 2012 - AFCN Edition

[Finnegans Wake]

Looks like Steelers will be going up tomorrow, so stay tuned.  In the meantime, hilarity not to be missed...

Bungholes.

Ratturds.

Brownstains.

[aj_law]

From the Ravens section (fan feedback):

Billy Cundiff is still on the roster. Fuck that guy. He could try and hang himself and miss kicking the stool over.

From the Bengals section (fan feedback):

Mike Brown looks like a cross between second-term Dwight Eisenhower and the swollen, rosy tip of my penis.

LSHTPICOMN!

From the Bengals section (fan feedback):

The Bengals just established a scouting department THIS SEASON. What did they do prior to that? Mike Brown was the scouting department. Mike Brown. The owner. Hence, the Bengals wiffing on every draft in the '90's, which included 6 top 10 picks and 2 number 1 overall picks. They should have had a dynasty after that kind of draft position.

WUT?

I actually enjoyed them.  Thanks for that.

[jonzr]

Hehehe

If it weren't for Donald Sterling we would have the worst owner in sports. Plus I believe we are snakebit. 1st round pick Ki-Jana Carter breaks his leg his league rookie year, never the same again. 1st round pick David Pollack breaks his fucking neck in the first game of the year, out of football. 2nd round pick Odell Thurman has a stellar rookie year then proceeds to drink himself out of the league but not before being filmed by a cop car in a DUI arrest with our slot receiver Chris Henry puking out of the rear window. Henry straightens his life up only to fucking DIE falling out of the back of a truck. Going way back, our secret Super Bowl weapon proceeds to coke himself into insanity the eve of the big game. Oh, and this year, our 1st round pick breaks his fucking kneebone before training camp. Not to mention that our star former QB was never the same after the fucking Steelers deliberately crushed his knee into a thousand pieces and then he decided to retire rather than be a Bengal again. WHO DEY

[jonzr]

Hohoho

You may have seen that the Cleveland Browns were recently sold for $1 billion. This proves that the NFL is an unstoppable money making juggernaut where moribund franchises increase in value independent of record, right? According to Forbes, the Bengals value has DECREASED by 4% over the last 5 years.

[jonzr]

Hahaha

Ray Lewis is a phony. At some point, Ray Lewis's career will sputter to an end. More than any DPOY or MVP award, Lewis will best be remembered for his shocking ability to get the NFL establishment to turn a blind eye to the fact that he watched two friends stab people and then fled the scene in a goddamn limo. Ray Lewis is the ultimate phony, someone who will always find time to lecture teammates if there's an NFL Films camera hanging around. One day, he'll retire along with Ed Reed and this defense will finally cease to be the annual paper juggernaut it always has been. I'm quite excited for that day.

[jonzr]

That's gotta hurt

You and I know that the Browns locker room is a haven of filth and disease matched only by the outdoor toilets of central Mumbai. The Browns are like a fucking Robin Cook novel come to life. People just mysteriously fall ill and die all over the place. The team's surgical instruments are all covered with black algae. Does this team even have a training staff? Is there some evil equipment manager who's secretly a Steelers fan and throws all the Purell shipments into a nearby ravine? Cleveland is where players go to die. Richardson is never coming back. He's going to lose all his limbs and his sight and hearing and he'll be begging his nurses to kill him by shaking his head in Morse Code.
...
They have no tight ends and whatever tight ends they DO put out on the field will die of staph infection by Week 7.

[give'emthaboot]

Drew Magary is awesome.  For those unaware, he used to run Kissing Suzy Kolber (kissingsuzykolber.upr oxx.com) but since he writes for GQ now he doesn't write there as much.  Fun fact, the new editor there (Mike Tunison aka Christmas Ape) is a Steelers fan.

[Finnegans Wake]

Drew Magary is awesome.  For those unaware, he used to run Kissing Suzy Kolber (kissingsuzykolber.upr oxx.com) but since he writes for GQ now he doesn't write there as much.  Fun fact, the new editor there (Mike Tunison aka Christmas Ape) is a Steelers fan.

His name's familiar, sure I've read his stuff before...

[jonzr]

Magary had a funny article a few years ago about a commencement speech, how the speaker should tell it like it is rather than paint a rosy picture. Or it was how he'd do it if asked. It was pretty funny.  I remember that Kissing Suzy Kolber site but haven't checked it in ages.

[Finnegans Wake]

Steeler edition, up!