Capn Cranky’s Week 3 Picks
Straight up, no chaser.
Buccaneers at Falcons. Bucs missing too much from the DL to keep up with the Falcons’ passing game.
Falcons 31, Buccaneers 13.
Chargers at Bills. Yay for the Bills, team is sold, Jim Kelly is cancer free, and iron pyrite isn’t fool’s gold. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Bills 28, Chargers 27.
Washington at Eagles. The 2012 3.88 draft pick Foles goes up against the 2012 4.102 pick Kirk Cousins. Remember when Tomlin took Cousins out to dinner, violin music playing, lights low, bubbly flowing? Can we have a re-do and give Washington Mike Adams for Cousins? Oh well, Tomlin’s MSU fixation worked out when we drafted Le’Veon Bell in 2013.
Eagles 31, Redskins 21.
Texans at Giants. The Toe just needs his receivers to drop more passes. And to have JJ Watt come to town. That should do the trick.
Texans 21, Giants 17.
Vikings at Saints. I’ll avoid the beat-down puns here to say that the Saints at home are desperate to avoid 0-3. Neither team has a great defense, but I suspect the Vikings have a difficult time getting in this one.
Saints 34, Vikings 17.
Cowboys at Rams. What shade of ugly do you fancy?
Cowboys 17, Rams 13.
Titans at Bengals. Fuckin’ Bengals, fuck you. And you know what else? Fuck you again.
Bengals 27, Titans 10.
Ravens at Browns. Upset alert. Since the first half of the Steelers game, the Browns have played lively. Since the first half of the Browns game, the Steelers have not. Takeaway: Browns are on the upswing, the Ravens think they’re better than they are.
Browns 17, Ravens 15.
Packers at Lions. What’s the over?
Lions 31, Packers 28.
Colts at Jaguars. Have we started the over/under on how many games until Blake Bortles gets some action? I say he comes into this game and makes it interesting.
Colts 21, Jaguars 17.
Raiders at Patriots. Interesting, this will not be.
Patriots 38, Raiders 5.
49ers at Cardinals. With injuries to the D and Palmer out, how long can Arians keep the Cardinals above the line?
49ers 17, Cardinals 16.
Broncos at Seahawks. Seahawks lose 2 straight? Lose at home? Can’t happen, right? Well, Peyton’s a great regular season QB. Omaha, Omaha, Omaha, OMAHA, Omaha… OMAHA, Omaha. OMAHA!
Broncos 24, Seahawks 20.
Chiefs at Dolphins. I wouldn’t want to be in a fight with Andy Reid. First, he’d asphyxiate you with enough fart gas to fill a zeppelin, and then he’d sit on you and crush you. And even if you could outrun the flatulence, he could still light it and create a fireball that would burn all the skin off your back, which means you’d have to be stuck face down on a hospital bed, watching Dr. Phil on TV and having nurse’s aides swab your bed sores. “Don’t worry, Nurse Harry is here to dab those sores…”
Dolphins 23, Chiefs 17
Steelers at Panthers. In theory, the Panthers have no wide receivers, so the Steelers defense should be able to shut down a one-dimensional offense. That, however, would require the Steelers defense to shut someone down. The Panthers D can do that, the Steelers D can’t. This team had better get its shit in one sock and fast.
Panthers 28, Steelers 17.
Bears at Jets. What do we know about these two teams? Basically nothing. I’ll give the home team a nod with a few good defensive stops.
Jets 21, Bears 20