The Lazy Guy’s Occassional NFL Updates

A couple of months have gone by, and what’s really changed? Scanning over the news stories from the past 60 days, the entire world stopped on its axis when Michael fucking Jackson croaked. Seriously, Obama has turned this country into the United States of Marxism, the economy is like a clogged airport shitter where the bowel rafts and paper are floating right up at the rim in some fetid murk (so, is it merkin?), a new Harry Twatter movie came out, and all the press can talk about is Jackson. Fuck, I’m clicking around the channels last night and Larry King, who by all accounts did himself die at least 10 years ago, has on Jackson’s manager and some other douchebag, I kid you fucking not, and this is how long after the addled diddler finally rang up some dead pool points? And I’m in a state of disbelief, because I swear they’re moving King with strings but they have somebody doing his voice perfectly, and because his manager is continuing the post-mortem propaganda that Jackson never did any shit with kids. He knows this because… he slept in Jackson’s bed with the kids? Our media and our society, much like that airport clogger, is just shit a-swirlin’.

But at least Otis called dibs on Jackson’s nose.

Now in a box in Otis's porno room ...

Now in a box in Otis

Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

That the media is fucked up should be evident to anyone with two ragged brain cells to scrape together. The Michael Jackson frenzy is one example, but the Brett Favre brouhaha is almost as disturbing. Other, more relevant stories cry out for coverage, and the talking heads are going after Favre like coked up laboratory monkeys masturbating. Remember that Brady Bunch episode when Jan, the lesbian middle daughter, has her twat in a twirl because hot oldest daughter Marcia gets all the attention? Well holy Eve’s ignored Plum, there were other stories to report on besides Brett Favre.

I mean, God bless Favre. Great QB in his day, all due respect, but he stopped being relevant… probably about the time he had that great game when his daddy died. Seriously, he’s been a fucking playoff embarassment since before Ben even hit the league, and what did he accomplish after Holmgren left? The gunslinger made plenty of great plays, plenty of shitty plays, and racked up a ton of numbers. But guess what, he still has one fewer ring than Ben, and I’m looking at his stats and he’s the only QB to have beaten 31 other teams, and the only other guys to do that are Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Well, you chimps, Ben has beaten 30 and will likely tie you both this year (Raiders). Not only that, but after Ben’s rookie year, Favre threw 88 TDs to 84 INTs, with an average passer rating per year of 80.08, while Ben threw 84 TDs to 58 INTs for a passer rating of 89.55. Ben and Brett are both guys who can make exciting plays happen, magical plays, plays you think can’t be topped until the next time they come out and top them. But unlike Ye God Favre, Ben doesn’t shit the bed in the playoffs.

Favre is five years younger than me. I’m wearing black socks and sandals, and I forget important things like It’s your anniversary! and It’s your wife’s birthday! and It’s Christmas! and Take the pants off before you shit! I can’t remember where I left the AARP paperwork, and if I eat dinner after 4:30 I get gassy. My point is, what… what… Oh, fuck me, I can’t remember.

Just shut the fuck up.  Seriously.

Just shut the fuck up. Seriously.

Look, even if Favre did un-retire and go to the Vikings, they win maybe one or two more games and still lose in the playoffs and then the whole Brett Favre retiring saga would start over. But don’t worry, he’ll change his mind mid-season when the Vikings are third in their division and coach Brad Childress sees the guy with the hook at the edge of the curtain. Then we get to do the whole mess over again. Someone check on Madden, I think he’s locked himself in the bathroom with some prescription pills and a bottle of Smirnoff.

Oh, well, here is the point.

One of the other stories crying for attention was the passing of Jim Johnson. The same day the news that nothing was changing with respect to Favre broke — the non-news that was news — Johnson lost his 7-month battle with cancer. Johnson, like fellow defensive coordinators Dick LeBeau and Monte Kiffin, deserves much of the praise for the success of his organization under his tenure. Second in sacks, fourth in points allowed, blitzing like mad, Johnson unleashed hell on earth for poor Ben last fall when he was sacked six times in one game. You could argue that McNabb and Reid choked away playoff opportunities that Johnson provided them. The Eagles certainly would not have been one of the top NFL teams of the past decade without him, and he had a storied career that included stops at Notre Dame, the Arizona Cardinals, the Indianapolis Colts, and the Seattle Seahawks.

God forbid Dick LeBeau dies and ESPN doesn’t carry the story for shit because, oh I dunno, Kurt Warner can’t decide whether to un-retire for the second time. The whole thing was just another stellar example of how ESPN loses the stories that really matter in favor of knobbing the stars. They’ve moved on to new obsessions — whether Plaxico Burress will go to jail for one year or two, and whether an NFL team will sign Mike Vick or whether he will go to the USFL — but they missed the memo: these stories are largely irrelevant.

Plaxico Burress has never been a dominant receiver, not as a Steeler, and not as a Giant. After he left, Ben won a Super Bowl, and Eli turned to warm oatmeal, but that’s a whole other story. He’s been a good player, a big target, but not a great player, and not exactly a team kinda guy with an exemplary work ethic. Since Plax’s rookie year, he’s played 116 games, averaged 946.5 yards and 6.88 TDs per season. Over that same time period, Hines Ward — not the “big target,” not the “receiver defenses fear” — played 122 games, averaged 1028.0 yards and 7.63 TDs per year. That doesn’t account for lead-blocking, intangibles like leadership, or anything else that makes Hines Hines. But it does look like the Steelers kept the right receiver.

Plax will be 32 next week (Happy birthday, and enjoy some key lime pie!), and by the time his prison stint is over, he’ll be 33 or 34 and out of football for a year and a half, two and half years. Sorry, but wide receivers are pretty replaceable, especially with younger, faster, hungrier, and harder working players. Ton of ‘em roll into the league every year. Your time in the NFL goes quickly. Plax is done in the NFL. Done. Done done done. He is no more.

Give me all your key-lime pie.  NOW!

Give me all your key-lime pie. NOW!

Michael Vick is even more done. Here’s a guy with phenomenal talent at the collegiate level, who just has been spun beyond all recognition. His career was basically one of dumpoff passes to Alge Crumpler, and running the ball. Take that away and picture the Mike Vick highlight reel. He’s a career 53.8% completion percentage passer, with no year from 2001-06 over 56.4%. That’s plain fugly. 75.7 career passer rating. Oh, and also? It’s 2009. So, the guy never clicked as a passing quarterback, never adept at reading defenses or really developing as anything more than a guy who could scramble. So spending time in jail and getting out of shape, that should all add up to a guy who can contribute to any team in the NFL? First of all, he’ll spend his suspension just getting back to football shape, but even then, whose playbook is he going to be able to digest? The last thing this guy read was the words “Zig-Zag” on a package of rolling papers. The Miami Dolphins have one season of success running the Wildcat offense (until they were humiliated by the Ravens, with an actual defense, in the playoffs), ergo Mike Vick is a guy whose personal issues pale next to god-like talent.

Wow, so very worth all the media adulation.

Should I fold?

Should I fold?

Ben Roethlisberger, Bargain Basement QB

Does this bathing suit make my face look dumb?

Does this bathing suit make my face look dumb?

Eli feels like he’s won the Miss America contest!

Quote from: Pro Football Weekly
Various outlets are reporting that the Giants and QB Eli Manning have come together on a long-rumored extension that will pay him more than $15 million annually and make him the highest-paid player in the NFL.”

The Giants and Manning’s camp have been discussing an extension for months, and they have been ironing out some final details in the first few days in camp. Although the deal has not been announced or finalized as of Wednesday morning, it is expected to become official at any time.

It is a six-year extension with a total value of $97 million. The guaranteed portion of the deal is around $35 million.

So let me get this straight.

Eli has the third-worst completion percentage aside from Vince Young and Derek Anderson over the past three seasons. Plax leaves the Steelers, Ben wins a Super Bowl. Plax leaves the Giants, Eli turns into dicknoodles.

I realize the Giants either have to give Eli an extension or let him walk, and maybe extending him is an OK idea. It would thrill me about as much as trying to find the tapeworm in my bowl of udon. Eli is nowhere near the talent Peyton is. He’s nowhere near the talent fellow draft-mates Ben Roethlisberger or even Phillip Rivers are. Eli is, by all stats and methods of measure, a middle-of-the-pack QB. In fact, if the Giants front office could stand to admit that, they might lowball Eli, trade him, or let him walk and try again. Hey, that commercial where he asks the kid Did you just burp in here? is heart-warming and redolent, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s a grossly overpaid, pedestrian player.

Eli will be paid $16.17 million per year, comparied to Ben’s $12.75 million per year. Is Ben only 78.9% as good as Eli? Is Eli’s career 76.1% passer rating worthy of all this money? Well, kids, let’s chew on some statistics! According to, Steve Young’s career rating of 96.8 leads the pack. Peyton Manning and Tony Romo are tied for second at 94.7. Kurt Warner comes in fourth at 93.8. Tom Brady and Phillip Rivers tie for fifth with 92.9. Joe Montana, seventh, 92.3. Chad Pennington, eighth, 90.6. Ninth is Drew Brees and Ben Roethlisberger at 89.4. (And just for shits, if you take away the nightmare season when Ben was playing with a brain scrambled like albumin after a Ronco In the Shell Egg Scrambler’s done its work, Ben has a 94.01 rating, good for fourth. Give him time, and that rating will come back up again.)

Oh, but where is the most highly remunerated player in the NFL on this list? Better than Jeff Garcia at 13 (87.50)? Better than Brian Griese at 29 (82.7)? Dave Krieg, 39 (81.5)? Damon Huard, 43 (80.6)? Jason Campbell, 46 (80.4)? Elvis Grbac, 56 (79.6)? Bobby Hebert, 64 (78.0)? Jon Kitna, 75 (76.6)? Fuck no, I already told you Eli’s career rating is 76.1%, good enough to come in at 79th best, just ahead of Stan Humphries for the love of all things holy. Hey, here’s an idea: Jason Campbell has a better passer rating than Eli, trade Eli to Danny Snyder for Campbell and a bunch of draft picks, can’t be any damned worse. Snyder will think he’s pulled off the greatest deal ever.

Eli, respected team leader.

Eli, respected team leader.

He’s just … not … that good.

Ben May or May Not Have Fucked a Horse

OK, there’s not much more blood to squeeze from this rock, but again, much like coked up lab chimps, Mike Florio of noted gossip-fairy site Pro Football Talk Weekly was ejaculating with every new opportunity to bash on Ben. Or, as it turns out, to bash on ESPN for not giving the story the airtime that conventional news media were. ESPN opted not to run what they considered a civil suit without substance or merit, instead of running their operation like, well, Mike Florio. All this would just add up to the usual conclusion that Florio’s a fucking cancre sore, except that I turn on NPR this morning and Frank Deford is bitching about the same damned thing.

All I can say is that if someone brings a civil suit against Frank Deford because some guy who looks like a cross between Alex Trebek and fucking Dracula lures them into a room to change their colostomy bag and then allegdly rapes them, well I hope ESPN drags that shit through the mud like it was a story about Brett Favre and Mike Vick’s love child being shot in a nightclub by Plaxico Burress.

Hey Frank, shut the fuck up!

Hey Frank, shut the fuck up!

Hold Your Breath

As the word remains out on Darnell Stapleton, it seems that other teams are racking up early injuries at breakneck speed. Bengals TE Reggie Kelley, ACL. Eagles LB Stewart Bradley, ACL. Bears CB Charles Tillman, back/disk operation. Panthers DT Ma’ake Kemoeatu, torn Achilles. Ravens OT Adam Terry, knee.

Seasons are in the balance here, and all we can talk about is Mike Vick, Plaxico Burress, and Brett Favre. Who’s taking over for Bradley? Will losing him, and the veteran Dawkins, and coach Jim Johnson drop the Eagles from possibly being division favorites to also-rans?

Can the Panthers rebound from losing big Kemo in the middle of their line, and will Josh Delhomme receover from his six-turnover season ending debacle?

Will Charles Tillman be ready for the season opener, and if not, how does that change the tighter-than-a-virgin NFCN race?

It’s not like these stories would be interesting or anything. Fucking douche-lappers. ESPN and the 212 drop months of Kiper and Mayock on us, and then when the players they’ve picked apart like Thanksgiving turkey carcasses actually hit camp and start practicing, there’s not even a shart of info about who’s looking good or any team scuttlebutt. Sure, you hear contract information, because that’s more meaningful apparently. Well, thank God for the Internet, because turning on the TV is a waste of time.

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